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AP Bulletin/Art Roe
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12/06/2003
16:23:29
Subject: Two Renouned entertainers lost at sea.
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Just in 14 minutes ago.

It has been confirmed by the U.S. Coast Guard located in the Atlantic Ocean approximately 19 nautical miles due East of Coney Island, that world-famous crooner Jerry Charles, whose head looks like it was manufactured in a 1966 circa Mattel Vacu-Form, and widely adulated stunt-pilot Sky King, have both been declared lost at sea.

The single engine 1949 Bonanza Beechcraft with a Continental V8 engine plummeted into the sea during a daring attempt by Sky King to rescue an endangered-species speckled-belly whooping crane from a shark whose perilous looking fin could be seen circling the big bird sitting in the water.

Sky King buzzed the shark at low level several times, about 5 feet from the top of the water-line, scaring the shark away for only a minute each time.

When SK saw that the shark was moving in for the strike, he dove in for a skim-the-water-line-with-belly/wheels-up manuever.

Then the whooping crane panicked, flying directly into the plane's propeller,which turned the bird into crane salad, and stalled the plane, causing it to crash into the ocean.

The USS Ulysses Grant and Dr Robert Mallard, the guy that found the Titanic, are in route to the scene at this very minute; with Jason, the small deep-diving submarine, in tow.

Search and rescue is officially in motion.

Admiral Jerry Dwyer has announced that the operation will remain in that mode for 24 hours.
"If we don't find them in that time, then..........the mode would, sadly, be shifted to Recovery Mode.


Ron Peterson
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12/06/2003
19:19:57
RE: Two Renouned entertainers lost at sea.
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Hell, man; you'd think that it was JFK Jr's plane that crashed or something. Come on!!!!
A US Navy destroyer and Dr Robert Ballard with his wonder-sub??!!??
How many people that visit this board think that such extreme measures would be taken for them if it was they that got lost at sea?



Hettie Nusbaum
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12/06/2003
22:55:59
RE: Two Renouned entertainers lost at sea.
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God's speed!
Hettie Nusbaum of Brooklyn.


Mrs. Newhouser
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12/07/2003
00:40:20
RE: Two Renouned entertainers lost at sea.
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Oh my God! I cannot believe it, we are in a state of shock, my sisters' boy Purvis has gone down to Coney Island to help with the search. This is so horrible! It seems like just yesterday I was swearing out a restraining order on that dear old kook.
I have known and admired Jerry since we first worked together on Queen For A Day, when he caught my attention by smashing the toes on my left foot with a hand dolly, rolling a Ben-Hur Freezer full of pork chops across sound stage 12.
Now that he is gone I can confess that I would have gone for him in a big way, if it weren't for the head thing. It wasn't the size or anything-I like em big. It was the strange shape of the back of his head. I sat behind him once in temple-all I could think about was this girl's bicycle marathon I was in when I was twelve.
Boy that devil could sing. He had what you would now call "cross over talent". Even construction workers threw their undies on stage when Jerry Sang.
Our hearts and souls are with the familys and loved ones of he and Mr. King.
Mrs. Newhouser
p.s. Did they take Lamo the magician with them?


Rev. Al Sharpton
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12/07/2003
00:46:02
RE: Two Renouned entertainers lost at sea.
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The conjecture that I had sexual relations with Jerry Charles in any way, shape or form is simply ridiculous.


Slvia Brown/psychic
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12/07/2003
04:05:47
RE: Two Renouned entertainers lost at sea.
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They are both dead. They may as well go ahead and start the Recovery operation. Now that you know, I must leave. Montel is calling me back to the secret bed-room accessible only by hidden trap- door hidden in Studio C.
The only reason I even care is because Jerry sang at my bar mitzvah (never was sure how to spell that), and I felt so,so sorry for him because the kids were laughing at his head.
I got my son A Vaccu-Form set for XMAS in 1965. I didn't know they were large enough to facillitate a human head for re-shaping. Was it the deluxe-model?


Art Roe/AP
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12/07/2003
06:56:13
RE: Two Renouned entertainers lost at sea.
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Latest report:

Debris from wreckage washes ashore at Martha's Vineyard...........items include 2 pair of stunt-pilot goggles, portable one-piece combo karaoke system, a leather padfolio containing a manuscript of what appears to be a handwritten autobiography(of who has not yet been determined),a case of no 2 pencils, a can of Sayman's Salve, a jar of vasoline, various pieces of clothing including a pair of baby-blue with pink trim men's size-34 Haines underwear, and the split-V tail of the aircraft bearing the number N4973N.


wango the gypsy boy
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12/07/2003
09:25:05
RE: Two Renouned entertainers lost at sea.
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WE WILL NEVER GIVE UP HOPE! NEVER!


Dr. Irvin Borg md
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12/07/2003
09:31:17
RE: Two Renouned entertainers lost at sea.
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The human sinus cavity is an air chamber that renders what would generally be a twenty pound block of wood, perfectly float-able.
Having examind Jerry Charles's cranium in the past I can say that if he is not currently an allergy sufferer, or smoking, that his head could act as a floatation device for at least 36 hour, that is of course providing...
dr i.b.md.


Jerry Charles
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12/08/2003
04:17:01
RE: Two Renouned entertainers lost at sea.
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Hey.........I'm over here........HELP !!!!!

Jerry & Sky King


Admiral Dwyer
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12/08/2003
07:11:17
RE: Two Renouned entertainers lost at sea.
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Regardless of prank posts such as the one above, it is my duty to inform the American people that this operation has now been put into the
SEARCH AND RECOVER mode. Dr Robert Ballard is now preparing to board Jason for an underwater search for the 2 victims.
The U.S. Coast Guard has been dispatched to Martha's Vineyard to stop the looting of shore-awashed debris from the wreckage.



ed
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12/09/2003
18:28:35
RE: Two Renouned entertainers lost at sea.
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Message:
we will never give up hope! NEVER!!
ps-send more cheeseballs!


Dick Flacid/Rueters
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12/10/2003
12:34:17
RE: Two Renouned entertainers lost at sea.
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Rueters 10-12-03 15:09

Cape Cod, Ma.
Coast Guard officials took a closed door
meeting this afternoon as procedure in
the Jerry Charles/Sky King rescue mission
begins its conversion to recovery.
The beloved American icon best known for his
sultry singing voice and pronounced head size disappeard off the coast of Coney Island sometime around 4pm est Dec 6th. The aging crooner was enroute to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame with flying ace Sky King for a command performance feting the crooner's great friend and intimate, Buddy Holly. This was to be the proto-rat packer's last public performance before his previously announced retirement to his beloved home country, Drypesland, where his status as a cultural hero approaches America's fascination with Elvis Presly.
Newspapers and radio stations through out the eastern seabord have been flooded with reported sightings of the vehicle, but as detritis washed ashore in Cape Cod becomes analzyed, indications of the duo's survival has been called into question.
There is a press conference called for 8:00pm est this evening during which Dr. Robert (Bob) Mallard will discuss his findings, and his further plans to use his technologicaly advanced mini sub Jason, to "Find every hair from that big loaf of a head".
The Cape Cod district attorney, Kim Piddle has called a press conference immedeatly afterward to discuss the gathering criminal investigation, and to reveal the contents of the hand written manuscript found by clam diggers on the white sands of the Cape's southern most beach.


Hunk Silfies
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12/11/2003
04:54:43
RE: Two Renouned entertainers lost at sea.
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Message:
Dear Coast Guard:
Me and Moon Man just seen Jerry Charles down at the crick taking a bath. We knowed it was him even though he was wearing a pith helmet, onacounta he was singing a Buddy Greco medley, that my mom used to sing to me when I had irritable bowell syndrome. Do you like chickens?



US COASTGUARD
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12/11/2003
08:57:47
RE: Two Renouned entertainers lost at sea.
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Dear Mister Silfies,
Thank you for that valuable information, it will be forwarded along proper channels to the authorities currently engaged in the recovery operation.
I too have irritable bowel syndrome and I find that humming a little bit of "Bridge Over The River Kwai" loosens em right up.
Yes, we do like chickens. In fact we often refer to them here on sea as "tuna of the land"!
Thank you for your able assistance,
The US Coastguard,
Adm.Anthony "Balls" Cochrane







p.s. Kindly forward any photos of your mother in a state of disrobe directly to me.


Merle K. Schlachter
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12/12/2003
05:03:18
RE: Two Renouned entertainers lost at sea.
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Dear Coast Guard and All the ships at sea:
If Mr. Charles had in his possession, a giant elephant flatus tube, he would be able to breath thru the flatus tube, thereby allowing him to walk on the bottom of the sea all the way to Cape Cod. I have been employing this method of underwater breathing for several years and have found it to be reasonably successfull. You must like elephants, though, because the taste of the flatus tube takes a little getting used too.
Thank You,
Merle


Mrs. Newhouser
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12/12/2003
07:40:05
RE: Two Renouned entertainers lost at sea.
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Message:
What exactly is a flatus tube?


True Fan
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12/12/2003
09:19:27
RE: Two Renouned entertainers lost at sea.
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Dear Mrs. Newhouser,
A rectal tube to facilitate expulsion of flatus. It is used in cases of severe distention and before a saline enema.........ps: How are your explosive boils ? Perhaps we could meet for a clandestine rendevous . You choose the time and utility room.
T.F.


logus
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12/12/2003
09:55:11
RE: Two Renouned entertainers lost at sea.
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Message:
How can you schmucks be so callous? where are your hearts, Jerry is lost out there and all you can think about is your damn flatus bag? After all the joy he brought to the world you blow him off like an elephant fart?
okay, fine. We all see how it is. Enjoy your slumber, remember-I am still out there somewhere!
and i will make you pay out the flatus bag for abandoning Jerry in his time of need.
Logus
ps-any acts out there that need a magician please write me here if you know how to write. if you cannot write, i will write to you.


Jerry Charles
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12/12/2003
12:02:52
RE: Two Renouned entertainers lost at sea.
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Message:
Hey Admiral,

I'm not lost.............I'm on my way to the tuna cannery.


Little Jimmy Dickens
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12/12/2003
20:20:18
RE: Two Renouned entertainers lost at sea.
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Thank God for Charles' combo-head-floatation apparatus.
On my way to England's eqvlnt to Grand Old Opry, I was drunk and chasing a stewardess around in my size 22 Fruit-Of-Looms. The captain was called to mid-aisle, and the SOB picked me up by the ears.
BY THE EARS!! BY MY F#@$IN$ EARS!!! BY MY TENDER, OVERSIZED, QUARTER-DEAF FLACID FU&$IN# EARS!!!!

Then he proceeded to carry me 40 excruciatingly agonizing f#$ki@% feet to the emergency door, strapped a parachute to my whittle back, and tossed me into the wild blue sea of open air.

6200 feet later, I plummeted into the Atlantic, landing 100 yards away from what ended up being Jerry Charles' ample head. He recognized me from seeing me on Star Route singing "May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up your Nose", and summoned me to swim " Towards my head, Jimmy---towards my head ".

Well, I made it. I was only 5 minutes late for the show at Leeds' Kuntry Kolliseum where I opened for the new pretty-black-girl rap group CARFULL OF NEGRESSES.


Mrs. Newhouser
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12/12/2003
21:00:45
RE: Two Renouned entertainers lost at sea.
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Message:
tf
behind the tent
right after oprah
bring safety goggles
two pairs
mrs.n


Art Roe/ap
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12/16/2003
08:46:10
RE: Two Renouned entertainers lost at sea.
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AP-NEWS FLASH!
(c) Efforts in the Jerry Charles/ Sky King recovery mission took a tragic and bizarre turn today as Dr. Robert(Bob) Ballard, noted oceanographer/eccentric millionaire, and his high tech-state of the art-mini sub, Jason, disappeared today in the murky waters off the Flemoyan Costa Del Sol two nautical degrees south of New Drypesland. The reknowned inventor was using sonar mapping techniques to chart the sub-terranian caves of Drypesland in his relentless search for beloved Drypesean crooner, Jerry"the Earl of Eltingville" Charles, and his traveling companion, Sky King who disappeared somewhere over the icy Atlantic duing an ill fated flight to The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland last week.
Radio communication with Ballard was lost at 12:08 post meridian, his last transmission although garbled by the choppy waves ended with the words, "My God it's big"!
Naval intelligence has sent up a signal flare to retired deep sea investigator Mike Nelson, vacationing in Sedona, Arizona on a pack mule expedition. Nelson, two days into his journey, had yet to be reached for comment.
God Speed Mike Nelson!


in the know
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12/16/2003
10:47:33
RE: Two Renouned entertainers lost at sea.
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I thinks use guys is pulling our thumb even stupid peoples knows that mike nelson was Ricky nelsons uncle and part time captin of the sub on voyage to the bottom of the see and sea kunt the story of a man and his love for a fish named flipper.


d.c.
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12/16/2003
12:13:14
RE: Two Renouned entertainers lost at sea.
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Message:
That's it, now you have gone too far! Not only do I know who you are, i know what you are thinking, and i know what you are doing right now!
you repulse me, you sicken me! you have all but rendered my Canadian obtained viagra all but useless! You may have stopped the flow, but I will stop you! repeat:




CHANGE YOUR WAYS!


Matilda Lincoln
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12/16/2003
17:15:39
RE: Two Renouned entertainers lost at sea.
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Message:
I have slept in the Lincoln room for the last time. Diligently I camped out in this great bedroom in the White House, awaiting word about Jerry and Sky.
Little did I know that a hidden camera (thanks alot,Wild Bill and Monica Oakley), recorded me in action with my favorite vibrator.
I am 357 lbs at 4'10". Lonely guys go to bed with a Penthouse. I go to bed with a cookbook.


veep
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12/17/2003
11:13:58
RE: Two Renouned entertainers lost at sea.
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Message:
Matilda,
I have watched your show on my private plasma television screen given to me by my dear friend Michael Powell. I find you not entirely unattractive, and wonder if that is the Gil Briggs "Justin Cooks the Shit Right Out Your Ass" cookbook that you are reading? and if so, as you are building up to your incredible multiple orgasms, could you flash us a peek at the book before you cum?
This would aid us in our observations to no end.
Thank you for the hours of degenerate fun.
dickie pooh

ps-i don't want to scare you, but we have determined through highly credible sources that your "hero" Jerry Charles ie: the earl of eltingville, has direct links to al queda. Although we vehemently deny any connections between the capture of Saadam and the disappearance of Sky King and Big head.


WATCH OUT MRS.NEWHOUSER, YOU ARE NEXT!!!


jimmy the p
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12/20/2003
10:07:26
RE: Two Renouned entertainers lost at sea.
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Message:
my name is jimmy the p, i can count to twelve,
name all three of the seven dwarfs and i can feed myself without making embarassing noises. i am looking for a nice jewish girl who is under four feet tall and likes to watch crocheting. you can write me here, or if i am not here when you write, then write me wherever i happen to be, and i will be there.
thank you,
jimmy the p


Jumbo
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12/22/2003
04:58:25
RE: Two Renouned entertainers lost at sea.
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Dear Jimmy the P.
My name is Jumbo, and I may be just the gal for you. I am over 4 ft tall, but I look much shorter in bare feet and a diaper. I don't know what crocheting is, but it sounds dusgusting, and thats right up my alley (sic). I'll be sleeping out in the backyard tonight, so drop by and I'll give you a whole new appreciation for stink bombs, if you catch my drift.
Jumbo


jimmy the p
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12/22/2003
10:35:42
RE: Two Renouned entertainers lost at sea.
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dear jummbo
is your tent a one room tent or a two room tent?
i only ask because i prefer my mother not be in the same room with me when i watch you as you crochet for me. i am glad you found me cause i only lit the signal fire a few minutes ago cause i couldnt' find no sterno.
jimmy the p


Jumbo
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12/22/2003
10:56:54
RE: Two Renouned entertainers lost at sea.
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Message:
Dear Jimmy,
It's not really a tent, its an old bedspread over a clothesline, attached to the ground with old cinderblocks. There is no floor, we just sleep on the dirt from where the old doghouse used to be. You can bring your Ma, cause mine aways sleeps behind the garage sos she can keep an eye on us when we sleep out.
Jumbo


P 1


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