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Dr Irvin Borg PHD
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12/03/2003
19:22:04
Subject: Turd Floated
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I'm in a state of elation, euphoria, self-assurance.
You may or not know this, but one of the preliminary signs of a troubled colon is when your stinky-solids sink to the bottom of the toilet bowl.
I went to the pharmacy section of Albertson's 3 days ago and bought some mineral-spirits ( cherry flavored ), and slugged the 10 oz. bottle down the esoph. This was due to a case of constipation messing with my life for a number of days.
I was concerned, anyway, because my turds were not floating at the water-line.

I FLOATED A TURD THIS MORNING !!!!
MY STINKY DID NOT SINKY!!!

I HAVE CANCELLED MY SCHEDULED SELF-PERFORMED COLONOSCOPY............WHICH IS GOOD.........BECAUSE IT PROBABLY WOULD HAVE CAUSED A CRICK IN MY NECK.

For what it is worth: Always drink plenty of fluid with meal-for digestion purposes......................otherwise....................you'll eventually see your turds sinking to bottom.

And that is not a good thing.



Don Taylor
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12/04/2003
03:43:39
RE: Turd Floated
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Well, good doctor.

C O N G R A T U L A T I O N S!!!!!!


Billy K.
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12/04/2003
04:49:25
RE: Turd Floated
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thats fine if you live in a house with a hopper, but what about us guys what live in the woods, and ain't got no hopper.............I guess we could use the canal.....We need proper preventative healthcare too.


Ernst Schikelgruber
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12/04/2003
08:03:15
RE: Turd Floated
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Dear Dr. Borg
My Mom wants me to go to Berlin over summer vacation to visit my German grandparents. Ordinarily, I would consider this, but with all this cannibalism stuff going on in Germany, I'm a little nervous about traveling there, and, I've never met Grandpop Adolph and Grandmama Eva before. How will I know whether they are German Cannibals? I'd hate to be killed and eaten, since I was planning on joining the trampolene team next year in 6th grade.
Thank You,
Ernst


dick cheney
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12/06/2003
10:00:12
RE: Turd Floated
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dear doctor,
i have been plauged all my life with turds that will not lay down in the bowl. because they drop and align themselves magneticaly, they tend to dangle like a plum-bob and tend to be more verticle and less horizontal, hence, as they are fully submerged, there is no constant or accurate way of gauging the water line, or getting a propper float.
my question is this: are you fammiliar with mrs. newhouser, and what exactly is the old broads chief medical complaint?


Dr Irvin Borg PHD
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12/07/2003
04:26:06
RE: Turd Floated
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Dear Mr Cheney,

I am unable to answer your question at this time. My own recent tangling with this colon-crisis has lent itself to my accelerated research in this area of colonpology, and I have been able to conclude that a new micro-organism I have named "tetrafecalhydrachondrae"(TFHC), an anadromous micro-entity which swims up-sewer until it finds its' way into your toilet-bowl at water-line level.
What happens, I've discovered after exhaustive testing and re-testing, is that if you have an open hemmoroid, and you are sitting on the pot, and you flush BEFORE standing up, the water-line comes up, and the dreaded "TFHC" at the very top gasping for air (not amphibious), inadvertently touches the open roid, infecting your blood-stream.
Remember---the TFHC comes in physical contact with other people's feces during it's dramatic
anadromous adventure, before arriving in your bowl.


D.R.
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12/10/2003
13:37:05
RE: Turd Floated
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My "linkin logs" are so full, long and wide, that i often have to push it out an inch or two at a time and then rest for a few minutes before i can push again. particularly painful is the crowning, when the head of the "red clay rambler" forces it way down that muddy birth canal and takes its first draw of breath, shows its smiling face to the world.
with the average payload being twelve inces in length and five in diameter, i often find it can take a good two hours to fully eject. Try as I may to pinch off earlier and leave the rest for home, i foten find myself squating on my heels, both feet on either side of the pot, banging my long john against the side, hoping to dislodge it.
Yesterday during a meeting with Colin Powll, i had to leave and work on one. I laboured like a bitch over that big black bastard before i got a good three inches of it sticking out like a candle in a cake. I walked around on my hands and knees for ten minutes trying to coax the little bugger out, it wouldnt budge. Also, to my immedeate woe, i could not reverse perestalt and pull it back on up, I had already gone to far.
Grasping the handicap bar and paper jenny I pulled myself to my feet and noticed that i left a brown swipe on the door. At first I was concerned, but before i knew it i was bent over the bowl, pressing that turd against the walls and scrawling like a demon. I was able to write half of our plans for government stabilization in Iraq, before house keeping busted down the door and sheared the turd off at the source with the sharp end of a black metal dust pan.
consequently, because of the shear bulk, shock and awe of my fecal largess, I neither float or sink, and often require a screwdriver in a plastic bag to break the invasive demon up.
I cannot recall why I was moved to share this with you all, but at the same time I cannot really bring myself to care, either.
I now will return to my office and try to soothe my colon by laying a stereo speaker on my belly an playing wagnor.
Donnie Rumsfeld


A. Hitler
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12/11/2003
04:49:33
RE: Turd Floated
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Dear Donnie,
That was the most disgusting message that I have ever read. It was truly inspiring. Where do I sign up to be a republican?


trenton hargrove
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11/06/2004
09:38:42
RE: Turd Floated
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I once made a raft out of popsicle sticks and floated a turd
across the east river. i had to steady myself in the water and
stand on two rocks, but i laid it out proud and straight. i put a
little yellow sticky note on a tooth pick and jabbed it in the turd
like a sail. i wrote on the note that should any third graders find
it, to take it to their teacher. they will know what to do with it.
last week i got an email from the faculty of lower east
catasaqua elementary school informing me that they had found
the raft and i had been instrumental in giving their students an
education in geography!
keep pushing-every little bit helps!
th


ted olson
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11/08/2004
12:05:03
RE: Turd Floated
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Enough scatology and more poultry!


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